i love accidental penises.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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