You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
this is an emotional support booty call
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
