hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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