I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
