As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
