Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
