Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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