why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
