I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
