Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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