the condom got lost in my hair
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
