Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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