I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
