I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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