So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
