the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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