i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
