im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
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