shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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