what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
