I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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