I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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