im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize