How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
