I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Houston, we have a squirter
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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