Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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