At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
