Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
