I could make wine with my vomit
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize