The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
