I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
