I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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