I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My dick has a subreddit
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
