You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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