I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
