i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
