Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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