i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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