My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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