I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
