I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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