You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
