Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The beer is more important than you right now.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
