I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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