I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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