Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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