At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
