Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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