Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
