He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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