Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
