my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
