my vag is so smooth its legendary
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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