Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
