I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
