My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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