The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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