He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
