Me too!
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
