I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
