I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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