I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
