im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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