Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize