Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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