i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
