just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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