Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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