chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
