I think i peed on brittanys purse
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize