I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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