I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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